They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
