We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize