dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
