What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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