I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
