I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
