The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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