what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
