So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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