He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
