dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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