If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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