I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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