i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
