I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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