I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If I die, sorry about rent.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
