i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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