I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
