I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
