I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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