Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
