woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
This is the high leading the old right now
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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