Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
