WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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