So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
