i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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