I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
