Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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