My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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