i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
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