I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
