and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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