Have you finally orgasmed yet?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Drunk is not a location!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
