I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
