STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
