I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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