There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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