Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
