we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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