Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
