Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
