How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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