yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
do herpes really smell.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
