I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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