I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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