My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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