why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
