TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
