haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
