I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
