shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
