It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
