I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
