I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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