Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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