I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
