I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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