She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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