You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
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my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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