I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
