wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
