Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
